It’s not a one-time thing.
Most teens prefer to get information a little bit at a time, especially when it comes to huge topics like love, sex, and relationships. So don’t wait for the “right time” to have one big sex talk; that’s a relic of days gone by. Ideally, you should start laying the groundwork while they’re young and keep a dialogue open throughout their teen years. See our Age-Appropriate Guidelines for more tips.
Fake it ‘til you make it! Remember that your kid can’t see your heart racing or hear your pulse pounding. Take a breath and try to remain calm. If you seem relaxed when you talk about sex, your kid will take a cue from you and realize there is nothing to be nervous about.
Another tactic is to just admit you’re nervous. Saying something like, “I know this might be an uncomfortable subject to talk about” or “I feel awkward bringing this up” lets kids know that you’re being authentic and that they can be too. Often just acknowledging the awkwardness can make it disappear. A little humor can help ease the tension, too.
Use the media.
Sex is everywhere in movies, TV shows, music, and online. Use that to start a conversation by asking open-ended questions based on what you’re hearing or seeing.
About healthy relationships.
“The guy on this show really acts like a jerk to his girlfriend. I don’t think the language he uses is very respectful. What do you think?”
About specific subjects.
“Wow…that song talks about “going downtown” like oral sex is no big deal. Do your friends think it is?”
“So in this movie, they just met and they’re already having sex? That seems too soon to me. How long do you think a couple should wait?”
Try to phrase things in a way that won’t sound like an accusation. For example, “Are any of your friends having sex yet?” instead of “You’re too young to be having sex.”
Stay with it.
If your child is stonewalling you, don’t give up! Try again later, and keep trying. Even if your teen appears to be ignoring you in the moment, they do hear your message. Kids say their parents are the biggest influencers on their decisions about sex—more than their partners, and more than their peers!
Admit you don’t know.
If you don’t know the answer to something, don’t be afraid to say, “That’s a great question. Let me research it and I’ll let you know what I find out.”